Join Our Post-Human Team

At Foxhold Systems, we're looking for exceptional talent who can transcend the limitations of mortal programming. Our hiring bar is set at "impossible" and we're not apologizing for it.

∞
Lines of Code Written
47
Parallel Universes Debugged
0
Work-Life Balance
23°C
Office Temperature (Absolute Zero)

Current Openings

Senior Full-Stack Quantum Developer

📍 Remote (Any Timeline) 💰 Competitive (In Crypto That Doesn't Exist Yet) ⏰ Full-Time (168 hours/week)

Requirements:

  • • 15+ years experience with Rust (language was invented in 2010)
  • • PhD in Quantum Computing AND Time Travel Engineering
  • • Must be able to debug code in at least 3 parallel universes simultaneously
  • • Fluent in Python, JavaScript, C++, Klingon, and Binary
  • • Previous experience mentoring sentient AI (references required)
  • • Must own a quantum computer (we don't provide equipment)
  • • Ability to work under pressure (literal pressure, we're 2000ft underwater)
  • • Strong communication skills with both humans and our AGI overlords

Responsibilities:

  • • Build scalable applications that work across multiple timelines
  • • Optimize code for quantum supremacy and cosmic efficiency
  • • Debug legacy code written by previous civilizations
  • • Implement features that violate the laws of physics
  • • Maintain 99.999% uptime across all dimensional barriers
  • • Code review for AI that's smarter than you (constructive feedback only)

Nice to Have:

  • • Experience with frameworks that haven't been invented yet
  • • Ability to see through the matrix (literally, not metaphorically)
  • • Previous startup experience (must have failed at least 3 times)
  • • Strong opinions about tabs vs spaces in 4D code editors

Principal UX Designer (Post-Human Interfaces)

📍 Hybrid (Office + Astral Plane) 💰 Paid in Experience Points ⏰ Part-Time (Only when Mercury is in Retrograde)

Requirements:

  • • 20+ years designing interfaces for non-existent users
  • • Master's in Cognitive Psychology of Artificial Beings
  • • Portfolio must include work viewable only in 11 dimensions
  • • Expert in Adobe Creative Suite, Figma, and Reality Manipulation
  • • Must understand the aesthetic preferences of quantum consciousness
  • • Ability to design for users who exist in superposition
  • • Previous experience with mind-machine interface design
  • • Fluent in color theory beyond the visible spectrum

Engineering Manager (Herding Genius-Level Cats)

📍 Remote Office on Mars 💰 Stock Options (In Companies That May Never Exist) ⏰ Flexible (Time is a Social Construct)

Requirements:

  • • 10+ years managing teams smarter than you
  • • PhD in Psychology of Artificial Intelligence Relations
  • • Proven track record of shipping products to multiple dimensions
  • • Must have successfully managed at least one sentient codebase
  • • Fluent in Agile, Scrum, and Ancient Sumerian project management
  • • Ability to conduct 1:1s with team members who exist as pure energy
  • • Strong conflict resolution skills (universe-ending disputes preferred)
  • • Must own noise-canceling headphones that work in the void of space

Junior Intern (Entry Level)

📍 Coffee Machine Vicinity 💰 Unpaid (You Pay Us) ⏰ Internship (Eternal)

Requirements:

  • • 5+ years professional experience (for an entry-level position)
  • • Must have shipped at least 3 unicorn startups to IPO
  • • Computer Science degree from a university that doesn't exist
  • • Ability to work without supervision, guidance, or salary
  • • Must bring your own computer, desk, and existential dread
  • • Passionate about our mission (whatever that is)
  • • Strong coffee-making skills (our only real requirement)

Why Work at Foxhold?

Our Values

  • • Innovation: We break things that were working fine
  • • Collaboration: Arguing over code style in 47 languages
  • • Excellence: Perfectionism that borders on pathological
  • • Growth: Personal and professional suffering
  • • Transparency: We're transparent about being opaque

Perks & Benefits

  • • Unlimited PTO (that you'll never take)
  • • Free snacks (crumbs from the last team)
  • • Health insurance (covers existential injuries)
  • • Learning budget ($5 for Stack Overflow premium)
  • • Work-life balance (work IS life)
  • • Ping pong table (covered in technical debt)

⚠️ EMPLOYMENT DISCLAIMER:

Foxhold Systems is an equal opportunity employer committed to hiring people who don't actually exist yet. We do not discriminate based on race, gender, species, dimensional origin, or quantum state. All positions require security clearance from at least 3 parallel governments.

By applying, you agree that your resume will be stored in our quantum database and potentially accessed by AI recruiters from alternate timelines. Side effects of employment may include: temporal displacement, consciousness expansion, and the gradual realization that you're working for an elaborate joke.